2023-10-03
I've been feeling kind of ... broken lately. Broken in the way that a car breaks down. Like I have a flat tire or two, the alignment is screwed up, the A/C doesn't work any more, and the right blinker is permanently turned on. And, of course, that doesn't even take into account the exterior damage: the busted tail-light, the smashed-in left side, the peeling paint, the rust, the huge cracks along the windshield.
I've struggled with depression and anxiety for the past 5 years, and I'm beginning to wonder if they've permanently disfigured me. At the moment, I don't remember what it's like to feel truly content, happy, and at peace with the world. I can recall facts about times in the past when I was happy in a deep way — I can even see certain scenes in my mind's eye — but I can't empathize with that version of me. I can't remember what it felt like. I've been fortunate never to have lost a limb, but I imagine that there are some people who, after living for a while without a limb, forget what it was even like to have had it in the first place. Maybe they can't remember what it felt like to stroke the cheek of a lover with that lost hand, or to walk on the sands and shallows of a beach with that missing foot.
I've tried a few standard antidepressants (SSRIs, SNRIs, etc.) over the last few years, and I've also done two full 12-session rounds of ketamine. The antidepressants make the lows not quite so low, but they hardly seem like a "cure". The ketamine, on the other hand, is amazing. But it unfortunately seems to have a very short half-life for me, meaning that the effects only last a few days before I slide back down into my original state again. I think that taking ketamine regularly (e.g., twice a week) would be ideal for me and could potentially offer a real cure for the depression in the long term. That's because (from what I understand) ketamine increases neuroplasticity — in addition to having other interesting effects — making it easier to unlearn negative thought patterns and learn positive ones instead. But at the moment, ketamine treatments are expensive in terms of both time and money, and the clinic where I receive my treatments is about two hours from our house; so it's not really sustainable past a few months.
I don't really know why I'm writing all of this. I guess it's just been a while since I've written here, and I've lately been in the mood to write. I suppose I don't need other reasons — or any reasons at all, really.
Anyway, I keep trying to remember what life was like before depression and to aim myself towards that state of mind. But for every little bit of distance I move in the right direction, I also slide a little in the wrong direction, or skid sideways. The steering is broken. I swerve to one side and then the other. I lose traction. I can't see where I'm going. I end up in a ditch again. Exercise would be good for me and would help with the depression. But exercise requires either motivation or the ability to form good habits (or both), and I have neither. Meditation would be good, but I have the same problem there. Making friends and spending time around people would be good; but the deeper my depression is, the more I want to avoid social interactions. I'm sure if I could just get started somewhere, then I'd start building some momentum, and the effects would compound over time ... but I've either never gotten started or haven't yet built up enough momentum to create any noticeable changes. So, I'm not sure what's next. Where do I go from here? How do I even get started? How do I get unstuck? How do I fix the things that are broken?
Oof. This is such a downer. Sorry. I guess I just needed to get this out of my mind and onto the page. Thanks for reading.