Content Warning: Vagueblogging
It's now been four years since the horrible stuff happened. I hope you've managed to find some closure about it all. I definitely have not been able to make peace with it. It's sad how much it continues to dominate my thoughts. I even still have nightmares about it from time to time. To be sure, therapy has helped a ton in terms of getting over the associated panic attacks; but I guess I haven't yet figured out how to move forward with my life, you know? Like, I'm still stuck in 2018 somehow, even though the calendar says that a lot of time has passed since then. I think maybe a part of the problem is that there's a sort of information "black hole" around it all: if a thing didn't happen directly to me during that time, then I almost certainly don't know about it because I don't have access to anyone who might know the answers. In any case, the people around me want me to move on, but I literally don't know how to. Time keeps slipping by, but nothing's changing.
Ugh. I have so much to say and no way to say it. I feel like a pressure cooker that's about to explode. I've written and rewritten this letter so many times, but because I'm unable to really express myself plainly and straightforwardly, my frustration just increases with each iteration. Am I being a realist or just a coward? Maybe it doesn't matter. Sigh. As always, I'm sorry for the cryptic language. Maybe someday I'll be able to say all the things and ask all the questions.
Thank you for your kind, thoughtful words. They made me feel understood and validated, and it breaks my heart that I can't properly return the favor.
I don't know what the next four years will look like, but I hope I won't be writing this same sad letter again in 2026. I hope the next four years are better than the previous four for both of us. Take care, dear friend.